I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
