Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
