Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
