I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize