would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
