I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
