I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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