i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize