my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
my shit smells like andre
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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