Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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