Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I fill condoms, not promises.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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