you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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