What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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