So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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