we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
