people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
