I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
We were destined to go to rehab together
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
its liver damage thursday
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
