I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
