Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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