I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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