I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
