we made out on top of his cat.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
