let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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