i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
