Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
