So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
