When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
