My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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