sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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