My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
