Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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