You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
