Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
