I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
