I want to walk on stilts...naked
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
