Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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