I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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