I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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