she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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