Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
