I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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