You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
