You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
