doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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