My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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