On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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