mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
