found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
