so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
