Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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