I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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