i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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