Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize