Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
