mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
