I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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