Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
