you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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