and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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