I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
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