I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
