quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
